Deciding if you are ready to have a baby, or if you want to have kids at all are big decisions. Some women may feel entirely confident when they decide to start trying, while others (myself included) may have some hesitation along the way.
For a long time I felt that I was too selfish to have a baby. I loved my life the way it was and wasn’t sure that I was ready to give it up. Parenting seemed to involve great sacrifice with minimal rewards and it looked so exhausting. I went back and forth on the pros and cons of whether motherhood was the right choice for me. My husband, however was ready to start a family much sooner than I was. Had I been on board, he would have loved to have kids right away.
Not Feeling How I Was “Supposed” To
I was under the assumption that I was supposed to have a deep seeded desire to become a mother. I thought that I must be certain about wanting kids, and passionate about starting a family. I believed I should want to have kids more than anything else, and at the time I didn’t feel like that at all. I took that as a sign that I wasn’t ready, and thought perhaps I may never be ready.
As time went on, however I started to re-evaluate the idea of not wanting kids. Growing up I had always wanted and planned on having kids. I thought maybe it is OK that I am not 100 percent ready, maybe I should just dive right in. So after much discussion my husband and I decided after our trip to Spain in September of the year I turned 25 that we would begin “not not trying”. I should clarify that when we chose this date it was February, and September seemed like a long, long time away. That is until it actually arrived.
Hoping At Some Point I Would Feel Ready
I had been hoping that between February and September somehow I would feel more prepared, more confident and more excited about the idea of getting pregnant, but I wasn’t; I was still terrified. Christmas came along and as we were driving home I said to my husband “I’m pretty sure I am pregnant.” I couldn’t have possibly known for certain, as it would take another two weeks to get a positive pregnancy test. But it was starting to sink in that the possibility of being pregnant was quite real (yes somehow it took me three months to absorb that it could actually happen lol).
Opening Up To The Idea of Having a Baby
Over the next two weeks I started trying to adjust to the idea that I really could be pregnant. I started trying to imagine what having a baby and going through a pregnancy would be like. But it wasn’t until we were standing in the bathroom waiting for the test results to show up that I found myself hoping for it to be positive.
I was still terrified and anxious about the whole thing, but before we looked at the test, the last thing I said was “I hope it says yes.” It literally took until that moment for me to reach a place where I could be excited. It took peeing on that stick and waiting for the results for me to open up to the possibility that I might really want to have a baby.
Seeing that it was positive was a mixture of excitement and sheer terror (Read more about that here). But that moment was the beginning of my journey into motherhood. It has been filled with highs and lows, but I can honestly say nothing has ever been more worth it.
I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me It Is Ok To Be Nervous
I wish someone had told me that they had been uncertain, or that the timing may never be perfect. It would have been nice to have known that other women have felt ambivilant or nervous about the idea of getting pregnant. I also wish I had known that it’s okay not to be 100 percent certain, because it’s one of the biggest decisions of your life and the only thing that’s certain in life is change. And having a baby will most definitely change your life forever.
For me, diving into motherhood was the right choice. I don’t know if I ever would have felt 100% ready, and looking back I am grateful that I did, but that is just me. Deciding whether or not to have children is a huge decision and what’s right for one person may not be right for another. Do what feels right for you, and trust that you know what is best.
Did you feel that you were ready to get pregnant? Was it a surprise? Are you still trying to decide if having kids is right for you? As always we would love to hear about your experiences, feel free to comment below or over on Facebook or Instagram
If would like to find out more ways that the Northern Mama team can make your pregnancy, birth or early days of parenting less stressful click here.